There is a huge sense of accomplishment and comraderie when you inch through the crowds alongside other parents that have just survived a full day at Disneyworld.
You are from different places (most likely had to travel, possibly on a different timezone), have various sizes of families, have different backgrounds, jobs, parenting styles, etc…..but walking alongside these other moms and dads at 930pm knowing that you all woke up early, battled the heat, hangry kids, line ups, meltdowns, way too much sugar and the inevitable sugar crash, overtiredness and overstimulation, being a packmule for bags and kids…. all you can do is make eye contact and say ‘Congratulations! We survived a day at Disney! Now who’s waking up early and doing it all over again tomorrow lol’.
Boarding the ferry from Disneyworld with the lights of mainstreet and the Castle twinkling behind us, I was very aware of how sticky and sweaty I felt, my feet felt every one of the 22,000 steps they carried me on and my back was definitely not happy at the 22lbs of wiggling one year old that it had to bear the weight of when my boy just needed his mama. But I could also tangibly feel the excitement and the energy we all had when we took that ferry across to the Magic Kingdom over 12 hours prior.
Ferryride to The Magic Kingdom!
And that made me smile and honestly made all the rest of it worth it. Yes the kids were tired, yes we were tired, but we made some amazing memories today. And I am so impressed with these kids pushing through to the very end of the day. And I also made sure to say ‘I love you’ to Nathan, and most definitely gave myself a pat on the back.
I took the train down to Seattle today. I spent most of the trip looking out the window and I thought about how many snapshots of people’s lives I witnessed.
I saw a mom outside playing in the yard with 3 kids and a dog and it made me excited for the spring weather coming to play with my kids outside. I saw what looked like a park ranger or some sort of official, walking on a wooded trail and I thought how he must be feeling walking through the woods with a view of the water – content with how enjoyable his morning was going. I saw a couple standing on the shore ofa tiny beach and a person standing on a ridge looking down at the water, and as the train rushed past them, I wondered how they got to those places and whether or not they were close enough to feel the push of air as the train passed by. We passed a field that was filled with so many white birds! And as the train passed they all took flight like a stadium crowd doing the “wave”.
I saw goats, sheep, alpacas, horses, fancy ducks, harbor seals, great blue herons in flight and perched on rocks, and just so much that I wouldn’t have seen any other way. It reminded me of the times I took the train from Toronto to Windsor and Seattle to Portland years ago and it makes me think about how different life has become since then. I enjoyed the train ride, the views, the solitude and would journal or tuck myself in for a nap. Now, when I take the train I am overcome with the overwhelming need to share this experience with my kids and it makes me smile to think about how much they would enjoy all of the things that I saw today, how many conversations these sights would inspire from Brooklyn and Lucy – which horse they would pick as their favorite, and how excited Cameron would be to stand on the seat, hands and face pressed against the window, eyes wide, taking in all the new sights.
And now I’m trying to figure out if I’m brave enough to take all 3 kids on a train ride down to Seattle by myself…..am I crazy???
Today I was a little bit selfish. I actually thought to myself, ‘I wonder if this is selfish?’
We spent the morning at the ‘not so secret’ Secret Beach and with the help of the full face snorkel mask, I spent a really long time exploring all that there was to see underwater.
At first I didn’t see anything except cloudy water and murky rocks, but as my eyes adjusted, everything came alive. I saw these really cool rainbow fish, a couple of puffer fish (which I haven’t seen before), this creepy slithering white and brown snake like thing, lots of those yellow, black and white fish (Gill from Finding Nemo), this really long silvery fish that had a long bill and just kind of hovered above the sand, and so many other spotted, striped, yellow, blue, silver, and white fish. And then I got kind of startled because there was this big something swimming in front of me. You guessed it, a SEA TURTLE!
So at this point, after we discovered Secret Beach last year, we have visited many times and I’ve seen sea turtles almost every time we’ve come here. It is a regular occurrence now to see the shimmering dark circles from the shore, see the cute little heads break the surface for air, and to wade through the shallows with all of the other fascinated beachgoers as we marvel at the sea turtle sightings and the fact that ‘We ARE SWIMMING WITH SEA TURTLES!!!’
And as amazing as these experiences have been, it definitely takes a lot of effort to get photos or video of these sea turtles without someone’s legs in the shot. It gets a little crowded.
So today, as I was admiring all of the fish, and giving my ‘non-swimming’ self a little pat on the back for snorkeling pretty comfortably, I saw this sea turtle swimming in front of me.
And. I. Told. No. One.
I just watched this sea turtle as it swam around, snacking on the algae on the rocks, swimming up to the surface for a breath, and then diving back down. It was amazing. I would pop my head up and see if there was anyone else around, and there really wasn’t anyone that close. I told myself, that I would really have to do a lot to draw anyone’s attention to the fact that there was a sea turtle with me. And so, I just enjoyed this experience to myself. And at one point I had TWO sea turtles swimming with me.
I’ve been waiting to come across sea turtles resting on the beach, and I thought that was the sea turtle experience that has been alluding me. But I didn’t even realize that the most special experience is to be able to observe a sea turtle in its natural habitat, to watch and wait, and be patient, and not feel like you’re chasing it with half a dozen other people.
Today was such an unexpected special experience.
So was I selfish to keep this experience all to myself? Maybe. But I don’t care.
I did tell someone that there was a sea turtle in the water…..eventually.
There is something about being in a different time zone than your regular life that makes you feel like time as stopped. Maybe not time exactly, but the day to day grind. You could say it’s vacation mode, but when you get to be out of sync from everyone else, from the regular start times, meetings, weekly activities and routines, it feels like you’re in a bubble. At least it does for me. And when I’m in this time zone bubble, the words that are lost to me the rest of the year, suddenly find their place again.
And so, once a year, I write. And I’m hopeful that one day soon the words will come to me some place other than the beach in Hawaii. (Or….maybe, it’s the universe telling me that we just need to always be on a beach in Hawaii lol).
But for now, I’m going with the flow and enjoying the view and this reprieve from writer’s block.
As the story of my constant need to find sea turtles while in Hawaii continues, I will admit that I have only dragged the family up to the North Shore twice. And once, I let everyone stay in the car. BUT the first time, we actually did see sea turtles swimming in the water. And as I tried to get a photo of some turtle heads popping up in the water, I asked Nathan if what I saw down the beach was a turtle….to which he responded, ‘no – that’s a rock‘. So I continued to take photos of swirling water with murky shadows, hoping that I would luck out on some rapid fire shots. Then the girls came over to me, and I tried to point out the turtles swimming in the water to them, and Lucy very nonchalantly informed me, ‘mommy – there’s a turtle right there’ and pointed to the ‘rock’ that I had asked Nathan about!!!???
So, it FINALLY happened! We/I saw a sea turtle on the beach – more on the rocks eating algae, and more his butt than his face BUT finally FINALLY after 4 years!
The next day we made a point to get out early and check out the “Secret Beach” that is down the street from our hotel. Over the weekend, we spoke with our new favorite local photographer Shane Myers, who was like, ‘you don’t know about Secret Beach?? You don’t have to go all the way up to the North Shore to see sea turtles and monk seals!’. I don’t know if he’s supposed to tell everyone about it, BUT, he is my new favorite person, and has elevated my sea turtle expectations and goals.
We’ve gone to the Secret Beach 4 times and have seen sea turtles THREE out of the four times we’ve been there! Even if there weren’t sea turtles we would have been happy since it is absolutely gorgeous. Still a protected lagoon although it gets some fun waves in there and you can see some really cool reef fish in shallow water. But on our first trip there, I was just telling the girls what types of fish I saw in the water when I looked down and there was a sea turtle swimming right beside me!! Brooklyn told me after that it was so close that she could have touched it with her foot! Exhilarating does not even describe the high of this experience. And then, once the sea turtle took a lap around the lagoon and headed out, we saw something else popping its head out of the water. It took us a minute to figure it out, but then we realized that what we were seeing was one of Hawaii’s endangered monk seals checking out the lagoon. WHAT???!!! We made sure to give the monk seal a wide berth as those little girl limbs waving in the water may have looked a little tempting. But seriously, WHAT?? 5 minutes from our hotel we are swimming with sea turtles and monk seals?
It felt like our trip had reached its peak 4 days in, so it completely surprised us when we visited a few days later with the hopes that we would see a sea turtle, to then end up having SIX sea turtles chilling with us in the lagoon for hours. They were having a late breakfast and as much as I tried to give them space, they surrounded me. A little unnerving, but oh so cool! I tried to back up to give one space, and then ended up with one right behind me. Apparently they gather around pregnant people (surprise! 6 months pregnant when we were there).
So on this 4th trip to Hawaii with the girls (yes I realize how spoiled they/we are), this is officially THE trip to beat. This is our official Sea Turtle Trip! Yes, I am extremely happy and oh so satisfied, BUT I will say that I am still holding out for the experience of coming across sea turtles resting on the sandy beach, so Sea Turtle Chronicles NOT COMPLETE!
The majority of the photos I take of the girls are from behind. I follow them around like their little photographer, taking photos of all of these moments as they navigate their world. It wasn’t until recently that I thought about what that meant. Since the majority of the time I/we are following them, their worldview is wide open.
These little girls (at 5 and 4 and 3 and 2!) are experiencing a world where they are the leaders of their journey.
They are experiencing their world not following behind myself or Nathan, or holding hands and relying on us to make them comfortable, they are already subconsciously forming their sense of self, their independence, their confidence in their abilities to understand and navigate through life, on their own, and with their sister by their side.
I hope they always walk with the confidence and sense of purpose that I see at age 5. I hope that they remain confident in their place in this world with the knowledge that they will go through life with the support of their sister beside them, and the safety net of everyone who loves them behind them.
It wouldn’t be a trip to Hawaii if I didn’t drag my family to the North Shore to look for Sea Turtles.
This time, they were on to me though – I had to bribe them with the possibility of finding seashell treasures (for Brooklyn), the probably of fresh fruit from the fruits stands (for Lucy) and a convenient stop to the North Shore Macadamia Nut Company Farm Stand for treats for us and souvenirs to take home with us (for Nathan).
And then I had to find clever ways to convince them to go back up there, two more times!
But, patience pays off, and we did indeed find Sea Turtles!
We lucked out by seeing one lone sea turtle at Hale’iwa Ali’I Beach Park – and that find felt amazing – as we watched surfers tackle the waves, and this little turtle peek its head out of the water.
Our other sitings may have included the sketchy side of the road parking, waking the girls up from their car nap, and scampering across a busy road….BUT, there were so many people on the beach! The whole scene just SCREAMED ‘there are sea turtles here!!!!’. I feel like we just missed seeing them on the beach, but when we watched the water, I swear there were like 20 sea turtles swimming around. For some reason, they didn’t hear my coaxing, ‘come on sea turtle, come on back to shore – don’t you want to take a little nap in the sun?’ This also led to the question, where do sea turtles sleep at night? Turns out the answer is that they mostly sleep on the surface of the water in a ‘floating’ state.
I honestly could have stayed out on that beach all day watching the turtles and seeing if they were going to come back to the beach. But the two little 4 year olds (and if I’m honest, Nathan too), had about a 20 minute time limit before they were telling me, ‘I know mommy! I saw them already! You already showed them to me’. To which I wanted to say, ‘but don’t you want to keep watching to see what they’re going to do, to see if they come to the beach, to see if my dream of seeing sea turtles on the beach is about to come true????’. The answer to this question, without me even saying it aloud, was a unanimous NO.
And so, we saw Sea Turtles swimming in the water in Hawaii. And with the help of a zoom lens and the magnifying tool in our editing software, we could really see them after the fact.
But, I do warn my family, don’t be surprised if you all get dragged up to the North Shore again on some other trip, because these Sea Turtles Tales are not over!!
2021 marks my 5th Mother’s Day and I have to say it felt more….not more important…but… more impactful. It felt like I finally understood the value of motherhood as an experience – the selflessness that it entails – but also the value of the experiences that my mom has given me. Being a Mother. Having a Mother. It’s important. It shapes who we become and who we want to be for our own children. It shapes the kind of experiences I choose to create for my daughters. It’s not the easy choice, but I choose to bake homemade cookies late at night after the girls have gone to bed, so that they can bring homemade cookies to share with their class for Valentine’s Day. I choose to spend their nap time figuring out how to draw a giant cornucopia so that when they wake up they have a giant coloring picture taped to the window at Thanksgiving. I choose to use my hand as a child headrest on the airplane for much longer than is comfortable, so that Lucy’s head is supported and doesn’t bob around as she sleeps (and I also have chosen to buy a travel neck pillow for the flight home!)
On the flight to Hawaii (our 1st night flight), I sat in between the girls as they slept for almost 4 hours. Before you wind up for that high five….it took a lot of rearranging of limbs on my part, and so, I clocked about 30 minutes of sleep around 1am. I divided my time between keeping Brooklyn from stretching her legs out into the middle of the aisle and trying to rearrange a ‘too long to fit comfortably in the seat’ Lucy who is a classic ‘Head Bobber’. But as I sat in the dark, with my daughters’ heads in my lap, I thought to myself, THIS is what it is all about. This is where the love and the selflessness shines through.
On Mother’s Day, I came across an old blog post that I had written up on my phone, that I never got around to post. It was from when the girls were just over a year old and even though it was more than 3 years ago – it still resonates with me, and it felt very relevant to how reflective I was feeling that day. And so I share it now:
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You spend so much time building up to the 1 year mark. It is an incredibly emotional time and you think that time should stop at the One Year mark and let you take it all in and adjust to having 1 year olds. But time marches on and just like that, they’re 13 months old!
It took me a while to adjust to having babies, it didn’t sink in to me that I was a Mother until I said it out loud…’I have 2 daughters!’ (and that was a couple of months in). And now, my mind is grappling with the idea that I no longer have babies, but toddlers.
In the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People it talks about how adjusting your title adjusts your perspective on the world, the way you interact with others and your actions. I don’t think there is a bigger title adjustment than ‘Mom’ that adjusts your every thought and action more – at least it hasn’t for me.
I feel like I hit a Motherhood milestone very recently. The first time one of my girls was feeling like crap (turned out she had Hand Foot and Mouth 😦 We were out of town and all of a sudden at 10pm, Brooklyn was crying in her crib and could not be consoled. For babies that were sleeping through the night and able to soothe themselves at 5.5 months old…this was unexpected at the 12 month mark.
Between not feeling well and a strange environment, the result was Mom getting maybe 1.5 hours of sleep and spending the majority of the night soothing a sad baby. In the past (and even in the present), if something prevented me from getting sleep (my husband, my cat, my own insomnia, etc), I would be so angry in the morning. Frustrated, definitely bitchy, and wanting to take it out on others.
But, after my 1.5 hours of sleep and a night of baby snuggles, I emerged with so much energy, and a mindset of ‘we will just make the best of the day’…. and also, that it would be a caffeine day.
There was no frustration or anger, it was a feeling of acceptance and understanding, that I was there for my baby when she needed me, and I was happy to be there for her.
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Now, don’t think that this is all about motherhood bliss, because, man oh man, do I get frustrated, and tired and stressed. But I am trying to feel more of the bliss than the frustration, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. But I am definitely trying to make it MY choice instead of being swept up into the vortex of Motherhood.
As we approach the halfway mark on our family trip to Hawaii, I am realizing that everything that I painstakingly decided to pack for our trip, wasn’t just about sunscreen, swimsuits and what/how many shoes to pack. When I packed for this trip, I was imaging the type of trip we would be having and the experiences that I hoped to have on this trip.
For instance, I packed myself two magazines, a book and my journal. I imagined lazy afternoons at the beach flipping through magazines that I never had time to read at home, uninterrupted time to delve into a book I bought specifically to enjoy on this trip, and time to myself to self-reflect. I mean, I’m not saying that I haven’t had time to myself, BUT, hahahaha. The reality is that I haven’t cracked open my journal, I’ve read a couple of intermittent chapters in my book (which with mom brain, means I don’t really remember what I’ve read), and I have in fact finished one magazine in a week’s time. The reality is that when we’ve been at the beach, I’ve been spending time in the water with my girls as they experience the excitement of the water and the waves, and the magic of water wings and their own buoyancy.
My intention for this trip was to finally make use of the water wings I packed, since they have been packed on several trips in the past and have never made it past prancing in front of the mirror in the hotel room. And this imagined vacation experience has come true! We have spent more than half of our trip at the beach and in the water (we have yet to step foot into a pool). The waves are calling to the girls, and for someone who has never been that comfortable in the water, I couldn’t be happier. I see how proud Lucy is when she walks right into the water without hesitation, trusting in her water wings, and starts paddling off into the waves. (I also see the looks of concern of the people around us, when they see a four year old, paddling around by themselves without seeing us watching close by). I am in awe at Brooklyn’s comfort level and fearlessness as she frolics in the surf, pretending to be a mermaid and twists and turns as she lets the pull of the waves toss her around and has figured out the instinctual pull of the water as she rides the waves onto the beach. In fact, yesterday, the girls gave us step by step instructions on how to swim and paddle and how to ride the waves.
Other random things that were packed: Nathan was adamant that he wanted to bring our small egg frying pan, with visions of making egg sandwiches for breakfast. I packed a bag of chia seeds and two small containers to make fruit and yogurt chia seed parfaits for breakfast. Happy to report back, that breakfast sandwiches and chia seed yogurt parfaits have in fact been eaten for breakfasts!
I packed my runners and a travel yoga mat with the hope that I would go for walks/runs and continue on with my streak of workouts on my workout app. Super surprised and impressed, that YES, I have in fact gone on a few runs this trip, and found some time to do some sort of workout on my app every day of our trip. Proud of my dedication, but I do acknowledge that in part it has to do with my obsessiveness to keep my streak alive.
And so, as we round the bend on our trip, and I realize that we have worn our bathing suits 3 times over, and have yet to wear half of the clothes that I packed, I’m taking a moment to reflect, to appreciate what our family trip has become, to enjoy the memories that we are creating, to be grateful that we can spend this time together as a family, and to kind of laugh at myself for what I thought this trip would be.
As the year comes to an end I’m left with very mixed emotions. It’s December 30thand I haven’t written a post since last November. Actually, I haven’t written anything since last year. I think back to celebrating the first moments of the year 2020, sipping glasses of champagne with family, sharing hugs and kisses and laughter and the excitement for what a new decade could bring.
I think about traveling to Boise, ID in February to see friends right before the world came to a halt. Although just a long weekend trip, and what we thought would be the first trip of many in 2020, this became our big trip of the year and maybe the most important because of what it symbolized. Friendship. Family. Community. A commitment to keep and strengthen long distance relationships. It was our last trip not touched with the uncertainty and hesitation to give/receive hugs, to have our kids play together, to go out and have a beer. To live with the same innocence that we thought only children had.
So thinking about all of this makes me sad. And honestly, I’m not quite ready to look at the world with silver linings and super optimism, because this year has been a tough one to wrap one’s head around. It has been a year of loss and grief, uncertainty and anxiousness, heartbreak and many other emotions that I can’t express. Not being able to receive hugs when you’re hurting or give someone a hug when they are hurting is an almost physical pain. And that part breaks my heart; that we haven’t been able to give and receive comfort in a way that is the most natural to us.
But, although there has been lost friends, lost family, and lost babies; there has also been new babies and new friends and a strengthening bond between spouses and family. Friendships have been tested and strengthened this year and although it makes me tear up at the things we’ve all had to deal with without the physical presence and comfort from each other, it does make me happy to know that I have these amazing friends who are there to celebrate the happy moments and also listen through the tears.
This year has brought me a new community, a new home and a new sense of home. It has brought me sweet moments with my girls and comfort in knowing that they are versatile and can adapt to changing environments. It has brought me the knowledge that Nathan and I will always push each other, and our company, forward.
This year has humbled me.
It has brought me a feeling of vulnerability and the realization of how much we have and how lucky we are (which also brings about a bit of fear to know how much we have to lose…but I’m going to try not to think about that).
The year 2020 began with bubbles and laughter and lightness. It is ending on a heavy note, with a lot of reflection and a focus on being present. My hope for 2021 is that it shows me the opposite. A mixed emotion, heavy start and a light ending full of laughter and bubbles. I don’t know how we get from here to there, but I want to think that it’s possible and that we’re all starting this year holding onto someone and the appreciation of the small things that bring happiness: the smell of fresh baked bread, the sound of your cat purring in your face, the feeling of peace watching your child sleep, the joy when you realize your favourite Christmas movie is on Disney+, the sense of relief when you wake up and realize you still have 2 hrs to sleep until your alarm (OR the realization that you slept the entire night without waking up until your alarm!). Today, at this moment, I find happiness in knowing that I found my writing voice again, at the very end of the year, I experienced that tangible feeling I get when inspiration hits and a post writes itself.
Adventures On the Road 