I took the train down to Seattle today. I spent most of the trip looking out the window and I thought about how many snapshots of people’s lives I witnessed.
I saw a mom outside playing in the yard with 3 kids and a dog and it made me excited for the spring weather coming to play with my kids outside. I saw what looked like a park ranger or some sort of official, walking on a wooded trail and I thought how he must be feeling walking through the woods with a view of the water – content with how enjoyable his morning was going. I saw a couple standing on the shore ofa tiny beach and a person standing on a ridge looking down at the water, and as the train rushed past them, I wondered how they got to those places and whether or not they were close enough to feel the push of air as the train passed by. We passed a field that was filled with so many white birds! And as the train passed they all took flight like a stadium crowd doing the “wave”.
I saw goats, sheep, alpacas, horses, fancy ducks, harbor seals, great blue herons in flight and perched on rocks, and just so much that I wouldn’t have seen any other way. It reminded me of the times I took the train from Toronto to Windsor and Seattle to Portland years ago and it makes me think about how different life has become since then. I enjoyed the train ride, the views, the solitude and would journal or tuck myself in for a nap. Now, when I take the train I am overcome with the overwhelming need to share this experience with my kids and it makes me smile to think about how much they would enjoy all of the things that I saw today, how many conversations these sights would inspire from Brooklyn and Lucy – which horse they would pick as their favorite, and how excited Cameron would be to stand on the seat, hands and face pressed against the window, eyes wide, taking in all the new sights.
And now I’m trying to figure out if I’m brave enough to take all 3 kids on a train ride down to Seattle by myself…..am I crazy???
As the story of my constant need to find sea turtles while in Hawaii continues, I will admit that I have only dragged the family up to the North Shore twice. And once, I let everyone stay in the car. BUT the first time, we actually did see sea turtles swimming in the water. And as I tried to get a photo of some turtle heads popping up in the water, I asked Nathan if what I saw down the beach was a turtle….to which he responded, ‘no – that’s a rock‘. So I continued to take photos of swirling water with murky shadows, hoping that I would luck out on some rapid fire shots. Then the girls came over to me, and I tried to point out the turtles swimming in the water to them, and Lucy very nonchalantly informed me, ‘mommy – there’s a turtle right there’ and pointed to the ‘rock’ that I had asked Nathan about!!!???
So, it FINALLY happened! We/I saw a sea turtle on the beach – more on the rocks eating algae, and more his butt than his face BUT finally FINALLY after 4 years!
The next day we made a point to get out early and check out the “Secret Beach” that is down the street from our hotel. Over the weekend, we spoke with our new favorite local photographer Shane Myers, who was like, ‘you don’t know about Secret Beach?? You don’t have to go all the way up to the North Shore to see sea turtles and monk seals!’. I don’t know if he’s supposed to tell everyone about it, BUT, he is my new favorite person, and has elevated my sea turtle expectations and goals.
We’ve gone to the Secret Beach 4 times and have seen sea turtles THREE out of the four times we’ve been there! Even if there weren’t sea turtles we would have been happy since it is absolutely gorgeous. Still a protected lagoon although it gets some fun waves in there and you can see some really cool reef fish in shallow water. But on our first trip there, I was just telling the girls what types of fish I saw in the water when I looked down and there was a sea turtle swimming right beside me!! Brooklyn told me after that it was so close that she could have touched it with her foot! Exhilarating does not even describe the high of this experience. And then, once the sea turtle took a lap around the lagoon and headed out, we saw something else popping its head out of the water. It took us a minute to figure it out, but then we realized that what we were seeing was one of Hawaii’s endangered monk seals checking out the lagoon. WHAT???!!! We made sure to give the monk seal a wide berth as those little girl limbs waving in the water may have looked a little tempting. But seriously, WHAT?? 5 minutes from our hotel we are swimming with sea turtles and monk seals?
It felt like our trip had reached its peak 4 days in, so it completely surprised us when we visited a few days later with the hopes that we would see a sea turtle, to then end up having SIX sea turtles chilling with us in the lagoon for hours. They were having a late breakfast and as much as I tried to give them space, they surrounded me. A little unnerving, but oh so cool! I tried to back up to give one space, and then ended up with one right behind me. Apparently they gather around pregnant people (surprise! 6 months pregnant when we were there).
So on this 4th trip to Hawaii with the girls (yes I realize how spoiled they/we are), this is officially THE trip to beat. This is our official Sea Turtle Trip! Yes, I am extremely happy and oh so satisfied, BUT I will say that I am still holding out for the experience of coming across sea turtles resting on the sandy beach, so Sea Turtle Chronicles NOT COMPLETE!
The majority of the photos I take of the girls are from behind. I follow them around like their little photographer, taking photos of all of these moments as they navigate their world. It wasn’t until recently that I thought about what that meant. Since the majority of the time I/we are following them, their worldview is wide open.
These little girls (at 5 and 4 and 3 and 2!) are experiencing a world where they are the leaders of their journey.
They are experiencing their world not following behind myself or Nathan, or holding hands and relying on us to make them comfortable, they are already subconsciously forming their sense of self, their independence, their confidence in their abilities to understand and navigate through life, on their own, and with their sister by their side.
I hope they always walk with the confidence and sense of purpose that I see at age 5. I hope that they remain confident in their place in this world with the knowledge that they will go through life with the support of their sister beside them, and the safety net of everyone who loves them behind them.
2021 marks my 5th Mother’s Day and I have to say it felt more….not more important…but… more impactful. It felt like I finally understood the value of motherhood as an experience – the selflessness that it entails – but also the value of the experiences that my mom has given me. Being a Mother. Having a Mother. It’s important. It shapes who we become and who we want to be for our own children. It shapes the kind of experiences I choose to create for my daughters. It’s not the easy choice, but I choose to bake homemade cookies late at night after the girls have gone to bed, so that they can bring homemade cookies to share with their class for Valentine’s Day. I choose to spend their nap time figuring out how to draw a giant cornucopia so that when they wake up they have a giant coloring picture taped to the window at Thanksgiving. I choose to use my hand as a child headrest on the airplane for much longer than is comfortable, so that Lucy’s head is supported and doesn’t bob around as she sleeps (and I also have chosen to buy a travel neck pillow for the flight home!)
On the flight to Hawaii (our 1st night flight), I sat in between the girls as they slept for almost 4 hours. Before you wind up for that high five….it took a lot of rearranging of limbs on my part, and so, I clocked about 30 minutes of sleep around 1am. I divided my time between keeping Brooklyn from stretching her legs out into the middle of the aisle and trying to rearrange a ‘too long to fit comfortably in the seat’ Lucy who is a classic ‘Head Bobber’. But as I sat in the dark, with my daughters’ heads in my lap, I thought to myself, THIS is what it is all about. This is where the love and the selflessness shines through.
On Mother’s Day, I came across an old blog post that I had written up on my phone, that I never got around to post. It was from when the girls were just over a year old and even though it was more than 3 years ago – it still resonates with me, and it felt very relevant to how reflective I was feeling that day. And so I share it now:
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You spend so much time building up to the 1 year mark. It is an incredibly emotional time and you think that time should stop at the One Year mark and let you take it all in and adjust to having 1 year olds. But time marches on and just like that, they’re 13 months old!
It took me a while to adjust to having babies, it didn’t sink in to me that I was a Mother until I said it out loud…’I have 2 daughters!’ (and that was a couple of months in). And now, my mind is grappling with the idea that I no longer have babies, but toddlers.
In the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People it talks about how adjusting your title adjusts your perspective on the world, the way you interact with others and your actions. I don’t think there is a bigger title adjustment than ‘Mom’ that adjusts your every thought and action more – at least it hasn’t for me.
I feel like I hit a Motherhood milestone very recently. The first time one of my girls was feeling like crap (turned out she had Hand Foot and Mouth 😦 We were out of town and all of a sudden at 10pm, Brooklyn was crying in her crib and could not be consoled. For babies that were sleeping through the night and able to soothe themselves at 5.5 months old…this was unexpected at the 12 month mark.
Between not feeling well and a strange environment, the result was Mom getting maybe 1.5 hours of sleep and spending the majority of the night soothing a sad baby. In the past (and even in the present), if something prevented me from getting sleep (my husband, my cat, my own insomnia, etc), I would be so angry in the morning. Frustrated, definitely bitchy, and wanting to take it out on others.
But, after my 1.5 hours of sleep and a night of baby snuggles, I emerged with so much energy, and a mindset of ‘we will just make the best of the day’…. and also, that it would be a caffeine day.
There was no frustration or anger, it was a feeling of acceptance and understanding, that I was there for my baby when she needed me, and I was happy to be there for her.
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Now, don’t think that this is all about motherhood bliss, because, man oh man, do I get frustrated, and tired and stressed. But I am trying to feel more of the bliss than the frustration, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. But I am definitely trying to make it MY choice instead of being swept up into the vortex of Motherhood.
As the year comes to an end I’m left with very mixed emotions. It’s December 30thand I haven’t written a post since last November. Actually, I haven’t written anything since last year. I think back to celebrating the first moments of the year 2020, sipping glasses of champagne with family, sharing hugs and kisses and laughter and the excitement for what a new decade could bring.
I think about traveling to Boise, ID in February to see friends right before the world came to a halt. Although just a long weekend trip, and what we thought would be the first trip of many in 2020, this became our big trip of the year and maybe the most important because of what it symbolized. Friendship. Family. Community. A commitment to keep and strengthen long distance relationships. It was our last trip not touched with the uncertainty and hesitation to give/receive hugs, to have our kids play together, to go out and have a beer. To live with the same innocence that we thought only children had.
So thinking about all of this makes me sad. And honestly, I’m not quite ready to look at the world with silver linings and super optimism, because this year has been a tough one to wrap one’s head around. It has been a year of loss and grief, uncertainty and anxiousness, heartbreak and many other emotions that I can’t express. Not being able to receive hugs when you’re hurting or give someone a hug when they are hurting is an almost physical pain. And that part breaks my heart; that we haven’t been able to give and receive comfort in a way that is the most natural to us.
But, although there has been lost friends, lost family, and lost babies; there has also been new babies and new friends and a strengthening bond between spouses and family. Friendships have been tested and strengthened this year and although it makes me tear up at the things we’ve all had to deal with without the physical presence and comfort from each other, it does make me happy to know that I have these amazing friends who are there to celebrate the happy moments and also listen through the tears.
This year has brought me a new community, a new home and a new sense of home. It has brought me sweet moments with my girls and comfort in knowing that they are versatile and can adapt to changing environments. It has brought me the knowledge that Nathan and I will always push each other, and our company, forward.
This year has humbled me.
It has brought me a feeling of vulnerability and the realization of how much we have and how lucky we are (which also brings about a bit of fear to know how much we have to lose…but I’m going to try not to think about that).
The year 2020 began with bubbles and laughter and lightness. It is ending on a heavy note, with a lot of reflection and a focus on being present. My hope for 2021 is that it shows me the opposite. A mixed emotion, heavy start and a light ending full of laughter and bubbles. I don’t know how we get from here to there, but I want to think that it’s possible and that we’re all starting this year holding onto someone and the appreciation of the small things that bring happiness: the smell of fresh baked bread, the sound of your cat purring in your face, the feeling of peace watching your child sleep, the joy when you realize your favourite Christmas movie is on Disney+, the sense of relief when you wake up and realize you still have 2 hrs to sleep until your alarm (OR the realization that you slept the entire night without waking up until your alarm!). Today, at this moment, I find happiness in knowing that I found my writing voice again, at the very end of the year, I experienced that tangible feeling I get when inspiration hits and a post writes itself.
Nathan’s mom decided to join us on our Hawaii trip (which you’ve seen from the photos). But this means, that not only has there been an extra set of hands to help with the girls…..but we were also able to get away for a couple of nights just the two of us!! When was the last time that happened you ask? It was June 2018. HA! (but also true).
And so, we were able to combine a work trip with a leisure trip, and we flew to the Big Island of Hawaii.
Very exciting! BUT as soon as I said my goodbyes to the girls my stomach started churning and by the time we reached the airport, I wasn’t sure if I ate something weird or if it was the nerves. It was nerves and maybe Mama Guilt, especially since on this trip Brooklyn has just started saying, ‘mama I love you so much!’ She holds my face in her hands and looks me in the eye and tells me this over and over again (crying over here!!!)
And so we took a 45 minute flight with just a carry on. We booked a convertible and drove with the top down every time we were in the car.
We made stops at scenic overlooks, visited beaches just to see them and took pics of all the random things we saw.
We made dinner reservations at 7:15PM! And we floated around in an infinity pool, just because we could. We still went to bed by 10PM…
Although we didn’t see all there was to see in Hawaii in only 2 short days, we did have a chance to visit a place that we had never been together and remember what it was like to be just the two of us again.
So I guess what I’m saying is….thank you Grandma! And….who’s coming on our next trip with us??
Today we had a lot of magical moments that took place after I thought we had one of those epic fail moments on vacation when you realized you probably made a bad vacation decision…
Waimea Falls Park
This morning would make the 3rd time I have convinced Nathan and the girls that we should go to Laniakai Beach to look for sea turtles. We went twice last year, and this year I was convinced that things would be different, and that I wasn’t just dragging along 2 toddlers across a busy street, onto sand that was hard to get a steady footing on, to be almost hit by oncoming crashing waves. Today…we would see SEA TURTLES! This mantra carried us through all morning, it got us in the car by 8AM, and it got us back in the car after breakfast.
But alas, NO sea turtles…again. The lifeguards actually apologized and said that usually they are out….but not today.
Last year, we carried two scared and crying girls back to the car, but this time the girls wanted to take their shoes off so they could have their toes in the sand (their words, not mine).
And so we ended up enjoying our time at the beach, despite not seeing sea turtles, and got the sweetest photos.
We had decided that today was going to be the day that we packed in a road trip type day and drive the North Shore and then down the windward side of the island, seeing key landmarks like the Crouching Lion and Chinaman’s Hat rock formations, the Banzai Pipeline, enjoy the grounds at Turtle Bay Resort. Well, the girls fell asleep, so we skipped Turtle Bay, breezed past the Banzai Pipeline after I took a quick look, and the rock formations…well, they’re really just rock formations.
We contemplated stopping at Kualoa Ranch for lunch, but after parking looked busy decided to move on…..but I hadn’t given much thought as to what would be after that. It was either fast food…or Honey’s…..
We found ourselves driving down this intensely green jungle-like road on our way to ‘Honey’s Restaurant’, supposedly a restaurant on the Koolau Golf course. We drove through a gate that said First Methodist Church, and I thought I saw another sign about a golf course, but I didn’t know if it was a gate, or another road….(turns out it was a gate with a bunch of chickens, roosters and cats hanging out at it, which is also weird).
Finally we can upon a building amidst these towering green cliffs, and it was the weirdest feeling….like, is this right? Did we/I make the right decision? There are no people around, are we sure we’re in the right place? We walked into this quiet and empty building, walked down the stairs (still no people), into what appeared to be a restaurant, and saw a sign to seat ourselves. Finally we saw some people (two tables). So, yes – we were indeed at a restaurant, but what were we getting ourselves into.
Turns out we stumbled upon this perfect, quiet, empty, amazing setting to have lunch. The girls fed fish at a koi pond, walked over this picturesque bridge and were these two little spots of red and blue amidst a sea of green. It was so surprising and unexpected. But it was enough for us to stay awhile, get out the big camera and go a little crazy with the pictures.
Loving the random memories and photo ops that we are finding here…
I grew up on an island, 10 minutes from the beach, and never officially learned how to swim. And although I have since gone snorkeling (with a life vest), gone scuba diving (and landed on the bottom of the ocean), and fallen off of a sailboat (while still in the marina), I have never really found myself very comfortable in the water. I wish I did. But my preference is to keep myself in water that I can touch the ground in and never open my eyes underwater.
And so, I do my very best not to extend my water discomfort to my two girls who are just discovering what water is all about.
Today I pushed down my own fears as I watched in awe as they body surfed in the oncoming waves in the shallows of our beach cove and shrieked with glee when the waves splashed them in the face, spun them around in a circle and did not care one bit that they were my babies who have practically no beach/water experience. They pushed me way beyond my comfort zone, and I had to fight back the urge to rush to their rescue and save them from the waves, while also being uncomfortable with how the waves were pushing and pulling me.
Luckily, Nathan is comfortable in the water, and just kept telling them to keep their heads up, always watch the oncoming waves, that when one wave goes out, another one is coming in, and to spit out the water.
All in all, today I found myself unbelievable impressed and inspired by my girls.
As I sit on the plane, halfway through a flight to Hawaii with two almost three year olds, I feel happy that we have reached the point where there are periods of independent play and also nostalgic and feeling like time is moving too fast when I think about the pudgy 23 month olds that we traveled with last year.
At the time, the girls seemed to be so old and capable and independent, and now I look back at those pictures from a year ago, and I see these pudgy toddlers that were barely toddling around.
Now these girls are telling us about all of the garbage trucks, airplanes and firetrucks they are seeing. And also asking for more popcorn or telling us adamantly that ‘no, they do not want to go potty’.
And so, as we embark on a trip that will absolutely fill up all of the memory on my phone and computer, I wanted to take some time to remember our trip to Hawaii last October.
The girls were almost two, and….
It kills me to admit that we were ‘that family‘. You know the ones….the family that you see in the boarding line up and you think to yourself, ‘I hope I’m not sitting near them’…..or….’those kids better not be crying the whole time’.
It was a 6 hour flight and we were packed to the max with new books, games, snacks, their lovies (bunny and lamb), soft blankets and the anxiety of parents about to embark on a 6 hour flight with two 23 month olds…eek!
When we booked our flights we told ourselves, yes, it’s a long flight, but once we survive it, we’ll be in Hawaii! And that makes the tough travel day worth it, right?
The answer is – Yes, it was worth it. But we didn’t escape unscathed. We had ‘that kid’ that cried pretty much all through landing. Which sucks because you know it’s the pressure on her ears, but when she doesn’t want to drink anything or eat anything, you just feel helpless and like you have to ride it out. That said child also didn’t nap AT ALL during the 6 hour flight. But I cling to the fact that we must not have been a complete mess during the whole flight because the flight crew was in love with the girls! To the point, that one of the flight attendants asked me if it was Brooklyn that was crying during landing, and that her cries sounded soothing. Soothing! Yes – she actually said that. I’m pretty sure they also carried the girls off the plane as Nathan and I were loaded down with a camera bag, diaper bag, tote and rolley suitcase. Needless to say, we don’t travel light and nimble anymore. Also, movie watching and naps (for me) on long flights seem like a thing of the past. Which is so painful to realize since I used to be the one that was asleep before take off 😦
Other than visiting the Dole Plantation, we had absolutely no plans. Good and bad I think, as I probably would have wanted to do a little more research on things to do/visit/eat. BUT, we splashed in the kiddie pool, visited a waterfall, looked for sea turtles, ate garlic shrimp at Giovanni’s shrimp truck, left a Disney Aulani character breakfast hungry (these girls were super scared of the characters and spent the whole time on our laps) and generally soaked up sunshine, sand and that aloha spirit. It is hard not to think about what it would be like to live there full time, especially when you know you’re heading home to rainy days.
But for now, I leave you with some of my favourite photos of our trip from last year, and I hope to share our Hawaii adventures this year a little sooner than November 2020!
On the eve of our very first flight with the girls, it dawned on me….travel is going to be very different…
Actually, I shouldn’t say it ‘dawned on me‘, the process of realizing this new reality was DRIVING ME TO TEARS!
It was 9PM, the girls were asleep, Nathan was downstairs, and I was frustratingly trying to figure out how to get a week’s worth of clothes, toiletries, toys and bedding into one large suitcase and a carry on.
Ha…..hahaha….what was I thinking???
In hindsight, the answer was clear….add another suitcase to the mix. But as I tried to figure out how to reduce our suitcase by 6 lbs, Nathan’s suggestion to add another suitcase was met by a snarled ‘I don’t want to!’.
In the end, another suitcase was added, more things were added because…now we had more than enough space…and we rolled into the airport with 2 checked bags, 2 carseats, 1 roller bag carry-on, 1 camera bag, 1 diaper backpack, 1 stroller and 2 15 month old girls.
I’ve read about these mythical families that travel with kids for international trips with nothing but carry-ons. Well, I don’t think we will ever be that kind of family. Because, although it may seem extra spoiled and unnecessary, if it comes down to not bringing the sleep sheep, 2 lovies each and their favourite blanket OR sleepless nights while traveling, the extra suitcase will win EVERY time.
And so, off we go to Anaheim, California for the girls’ first flight.
The land of sunshine, palm trees…..and Disneyland!
And this is what we learned on our first flight(s) and trip to California:
The girls could care less if it’s supposed to be their nap time on the flight….look at….everything!
We are spoiled and realize that for us, we need to have a separate bedroom type accommodation, so we don’t ALL have to go to sleep at 8pm.
The girls could care less about Disneyland and Mickey Mouse….in fact, Mickey Mouse is kind of scary (unless viewed from afar, and then they’re super interested)
At 15 months, Disneyland was really about a very pretty place to take a walk because the only ride we went on was the train ride around the park….and the Dinosaur Section…. did… not… go… well…., oh and also the duck that flapped it’s wings near us during breakfast…also not a fan of him… (So I guess we also realized that we have a scaredy cat baby).
We have 1 Water Baby (Brooklyn) and 1 ‘Only if there’s people to wave at’ Water Baby (Lucy).
And lastly, we learned that despite the stress of travel and the crappy sleep (maybe that was just me as I lay with 2 babies on me listening to everyone snoring while I lay awake…), it was super fun to make new family memories:
To watch Lucy take wobbly steps on the beach at Crystal Cove and see her make that ‘Daaaaddd….stop taking pictures of me’ face
To introduce the girls to new friends
To listen to Brooklyn squeal in delight as she gets spun around in the pool
To experience Disney through someone else’s eyes, besides my own
And finally, to learn all of these new things about these girls who had only been in our lives for such a short amount of time.
Adventures On the Road 